MISSING

A Public Service Announcement (Sort Of)

🚨

★ Have You Seen
This (Handy)Man? ★

Last seen on
5/29/26 at 1:45am

⚡ DO NOT CHASE ⚡Unless you are hot

🥃 Will come to
well drinks ✦

THE STORY (AS WE UNDERSTAND IT)

One minute he was here. The next minute, he had vanished into the night—leaving behind only good vibes, unfinished projects, and several unanswered questions.

KNOWN FOR: dad jokes, bar loyalty, random projects, and disappearing at last call.

★★★ PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE ★★★

WARNING: THESE IMAGES MAY RAISE MORE QUESTIONS THAN THEY ANSWER

Porter outdoors wearing a tutu and tiara — EXHIBIT A: Royalty status remains unconfirmed.

Porter standing on a ladder beside a vehicle — EXHIBIT B: Handy? Technically, yes.

Porter working near flying sparks at night — EXHIBIT C: Do not try this at home.

Porter wearing patriotic pants and a blond wig — EXHIBIT D: Disguise was not effective.

☎

Tip Line: (614) 364 8726Website: FINDMYPORTER.COM

🍻

!!! RECENT SIGHTINGS !!!

6/02/26

Possibly seen near a hardware aisle. Witness became distracted by a sale on drill bits.

6/14/26

Unconfirmed report involving a patio, two well drinks, and a suspiciously good story.

7/04/26

Someone yelled “Porter!” at a bar. Seven unrelated men turned around.

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WELCOME

Visitors Since 5/29/26:00004269